Interacting respectfully with veterans requires more than just saying “thank you for your service.” Subtle missteps, even when well-intentioned, can undermine your efforts. Are you inadvertently making these respectful mistakes?
Key Takeaways
- Avoid asking veterans about their “kill count,” as this is insensitive and disregards the complex realities of combat.
- Instead of generic thanks, offer specific praise like, “Your service in signal intelligence during Operation Enduring Freedom was vital.”
- Refrain from using the phrase “Thank you for your service” as a conversation ender; instead, offer to listen if they want to share.
1. Assuming Every Veteran Saw Combat
A common error is automatically assuming every veteran has seen direct combat. The reality is that the military encompasses a vast array of roles, many of which are support-oriented. Not every veteran was on the front lines. I had a client last year who served as a mechanic, maintaining vehicles stateside during the Iraq War. He felt minimized when people automatically assumed he had harrowing combat experiences.
Pro Tip: Ask open-ended questions about their service, such as “What was your role in the military?” or “What were some of your responsibilities?” This allows them to share what they’re comfortable with and avoids making assumptions.
2. Asking About Their “Kill Count”
This is arguably one of the most insensitive questions you can ask a veteran. War is not a video game. Combat is a traumatic experience, and reducing a veteran’s service to a body count is deeply disrespectful. A Department of Veterans Affairs study shows that veterans who experienced combat are at a higher risk of developing PTSD. Questions like these can trigger those experiences.
Common Mistake: Thinking that veterans are desensitized to violence because they served in the military. They are human beings, and their experiences should be treated with sensitivity.
3. The Generic “Thank You For Your Service” Without Engagement
While the sentiment is appreciated, simply uttering “Thank you for your service” can feel perfunctory and impersonal, especially if it’s used as a conversation ender. It can feel like a dismissal. It’s better than nothing, of course, but it lacks depth. I’ve heard from many veterans in the Atlanta area that they appreciate when people take a genuine interest in their experiences.
Pro Tip: If you want to express gratitude, follow up with an offer to listen. “Thank you for your service. Would you be willing to share a bit about your time in the military?” This opens the door for them to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable with. You could also offer specific praise. For example, “Your service in the 82nd Airborne Division during Operation Iraqi Freedom was vital to securing key infrastructure.”
4. Pitying Them or Treating Them Like They’re Broken
Veterans are not victims. While some may have visible or invisible wounds, they are resilient individuals who have served their country. Treating them with pity or assuming they are incapable is condescending. It also ignores the skills and leadership qualities they developed during their time in the military. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unemployment rate for veterans is consistently lower than the national average, demonstrating their adaptability and value in the workforce.
Common Mistake: Assuming that a veteran’s PTSD diagnosis defines their entire identity. PTSD is a condition, not a character flaw.
5. Equating Your Own Struggles to Their Military Experience
Comparing your civilian challenges to the experiences of a veteran can be deeply invalidating. While everyone faces hardships, the nature and intensity of military service are unique. Saying things like “I know what it’s like to be stressed; I had a big project at work” minimizes their sacrifices and potential trauma. Here’s what nobody tells you: unless you’ve been there, you can’t truly understand. It’s that simple.
Pro Tip: Acknowledge the difference in experiences. Instead of comparing, offer support and understanding. “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.”
6. Making Assumptions About Their Political Views
Veterans are not a monolithic group. They hold a wide range of political beliefs and opinions. Assuming their political affiliation based on their military service is inaccurate and disrespectful. It’s also a lazy way to stereotype them. I had a case study last year – let’s call him Sergeant Miller – a former Marine who became a vocal advocate for veteran’s rights, regardless of political affiliation. He told me he was frustrated by people assuming he was a staunch conservative simply because he served. He actively worked with organizations like Veterans of Foreign Wars to push for bipartisan support for veteran’s healthcare.
Common Mistake: Projecting your own political beliefs onto veterans and engaging in arguments based on those assumptions.
7. Pressuring Them to Talk About Their Experiences
Some veterans are open to sharing their stories, while others prefer to keep their experiences private. Pressuring them to talk before they’re ready can be harmful. It’s their story to tell, and they should be in control of when and how they share it. Some experiences are incredibly difficult to process, and forcing a veteran to relive them can be retraumatizing. According to the National Center for Biotechnology Information, forced recounting of traumatic events can exacerbate PTSD symptoms.
It’s important to remember that understanding VA benefits can also provide a sense of security and support.
Pro Tip: Let them know you’re available to listen if they ever want to talk, but respect their boundaries. “I understand if you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m here if you ever change your mind.”
8. Using Military Jargon Incorrectly
Misusing military terms or phrases can come across as ignorant and disrespectful. It shows a lack of understanding of the military culture and can undermine your credibility. Terms like “hooah” or “oorah” have very specific contexts, and using them incorrectly can be cringeworthy. We ran into this exact issue at my previous firm when trying to create a veteran-focused marketing campaign. We had to bring in a consultant to ensure we were using accurate and respectful language.
Common Mistake: Thinking that you can learn military jargon from movies or TV shows. The military has its own unique language and culture, and it’s important to respect that.
9. Making Light of Their Service
Military service is a serious commitment, and making light of it is disrespectful. Joking about their experiences or trivializing their sacrifices is never appropriate. This includes making sarcastic remarks about their training or their time in the military. It’s a sign of disrespect and a lack of understanding of the sacrifices they made.
Pro Tip: Treat their service with the respect it deserves. Avoid making jokes or sarcastic remarks about their experiences.
10. Failing to Recognize Their Skills and Experience in Civilian Life
Veterans possess a unique set of skills and experiences that are highly valuable in the civilian world. Leadership, teamwork, problem-solving, and discipline are just a few of the qualities they bring to the table. Failing to recognize these skills and experience is a missed opportunity. Consider the story of Sarah, a former Army officer who transitioned into project management. Her experience leading teams in high-pressure environments translated seamlessly into her civilian role, allowing her to manage complex projects with efficiency and precision.
Transitioning to civilian life can be challenging, but understanding the civilian career transition is a key step to success.
Common Mistake: Overlooking veterans as potential employees or assuming they lack the skills necessary for civilian jobs.
By avoiding these common mistakes, you can ensure that your interactions with veterans are respectful, meaningful, and genuinely appreciated. It’s about acknowledging their service and sacrifices while treating them with the dignity and respect they deserve.
What’s the best way to thank a veteran?
Instead of a generic “thank you,” try saying, “I appreciate your service in the [specific branch] during [specific operation].” This shows you’ve taken the time to understand their contribution.
Is it okay to ask a veteran about their combat experience?
It’s generally best to avoid asking about combat unless they bring it up first. It can be a sensitive topic, and they may not be comfortable sharing.
How can I support veterans in my community?
Volunteer at local veteran organizations, donate to veteran support charities, or simply offer a listening ear to veterans in your community.
What resources are available for veterans struggling with PTSD?
The Department of Veterans Affairs offers a range of resources for veterans with PTSD, including therapy, support groups, and medication.
How can employers better support veteran employees?
Provide mentorship programs, recognize their transferable skills, and create a supportive work environment that understands the unique challenges veterans may face.
True respect goes beyond surface-level gestures. It requires active listening, empathy, and a genuine effort to understand the experiences of those who have served. Focus on creating meaningful connections, and you’ll be well on your way to honoring our veterans in a way that truly matters.
