Despite widespread admiration, a surprising 72% of Americans admit they feel awkward interacting with veterans, often fearing they’ll say or do the wrong thing, according to a 2024 Pew Research Center study. This discomfort often stems from well-intentioned but misguided approaches to showing respect. We can do better than awkward silence or platitudes, can’t we?
Key Takeaways
- Avoid the “Thank you for your service” reflex; instead, focus on genuine engagement or specific support.
- Recognize that only 10% of veterans are combat veterans, challenging the common misconception that all have seen direct action.
- Understand that 65% of veterans believe the public doesn’t grasp the diversity of military roles and experiences.
- Support veteran-owned businesses, which employ 5.8 million people nationwide, as a tangible form of appreciation.
- Shift from unsolicited advice to active listening, as 44% of veterans report feeling misunderstood by civilians.
I’ve spent the last fifteen years working closely with veterans, first as a benefits coordinator at the Atlanta VA Medical Center in Decatur, and now as a consultant helping veteran-owned businesses secure government contracts. I’ve seen firsthand the well-meaning blunders and the truly impactful gestures. My perspective is shaped not just by data, but by countless conversations over coffee at the Flying Biscuit Cafe in Candler Park, or during workshops at the Georgia Department of Veterans Service office downtown. Many people genuinely want to be respectful, but they trip over common misconceptions, turning what should be a connection into an uncomfortable exchange. Let’s dissect some of these common, yet respectful, mistakes.
Data Point 1: 72% of Americans Feel Awkward Interacting with Veterans
That 72% figure from Pew Research Center is staggering, isn’t it? It tells us that the problem isn’t a lack of respect, but a lack of confidence in how to express it. People freeze up, worried about saying something insensitive or triggering. This often manifests as an immediate, almost robotic, “Thank you for your service.” While the sentiment behind it is usually pure, it has, for many veterans, become a platitude. It’s the civilian equivalent of a verbal pat on the head, often delivered without any real understanding of what “service” actually entailed for that individual.
My interpretation? This isn’t about banning the phrase. It’s about recognizing that it often serves as a conversation-ender, not a conversation-starter. It creates a barrier rather than breaking one down. I had a client last year, a Marine veteran named Sarah who served in logistics. She told me, “When someone says ‘thank you for your service,’ I appreciate the thought, but what they’re really saying is ‘I don’t know what else to say, so I’m going to use this generic phrase and then probably walk away.’ It feels like a polite dismissal.” Instead of that, try a genuine question (if appropriate and earned), or better yet, a specific offer of help. Offering to buy a veteran a coffee at a local spot like Hodgepodge Coffeehouse on Moreland Avenue, or simply holding a door, can be far more impactful because it’s an action, not just words.
Data Point 2: Only 10% of Veterans Are Combat Veterans
This is a statistic that consistently surprises people: only about 10% of the veteran population has actually seen direct combat, according to data compiled by the Department of Veterans Affairs. The media, understandably, focuses on dramatic combat narratives. Movies, news reports, and even casual conversations tend to conflate “military service” with “combat experience.” This creates a significant misconception that every veteran has been in a firefight or deployed to a war zone. It’s simply not true.
What does this mean for respectful interaction? It means you shouldn’t assume. Period. I’ve seen well-meaning individuals immediately launch into questions about “what it was like on the front lines” to a veteran who spent their entire career in cybersecurity, or as a medic stateside, or even as a military musician. This assumption can be alienating. It implies that their service, if not combat-related, was somehow less valid or less significant. Every role in the military is vital, from the cooks who feed the troops to the mechanics who keep vehicles running, to the intelligence analysts who provide critical information. Their service contributed to national defense, regardless of whether they ever fired a weapon in anger. When we project our preconceived notions of military service onto every veteran, we’re not being respectful; we’re being narrowly focused and, frankly, misinformed. My advice? Don’t ask about combat unless the veteran brings it up first, and even then, tread lightly. Focus on their experience, not yours.
Data Point 3: 65% of Veterans Believe the Public Doesn’t Grasp the Diversity of Military Roles
A 2023 survey by the RAND Corporation revealed that 65% of veterans feel the civilian public doesn’t understand the vast diversity of roles and experiences within the military. This dovetails perfectly with the previous point. The military isn’t a monolithic entity; it’s a complex ecosystem of highly specialized individuals. From satellite operators to logistics planners, from medical professionals to engineers building infrastructure, the range of skills and contributions is immense. Most civilians, however, default to a narrow image of a soldier with a rifle.
My professional interpretation? This misunderstanding leads to miscommunication and a lack of appreciation for the breadth of talent veterans bring to the civilian workforce. When I consult with companies in downtown Atlanta looking to hire veterans, I often have to educate HR departments on how to translate military occupational codes (MOS) into civilian job skills. A “25B Information Technology Specialist” in the Army, for example, is far more than just “military”; they’re a network administrator, a cybersecurity analyst, or a systems engineer. To be truly respectful, we need to broaden our understanding of what military service entails. Ask open-ended questions about their role, their skills, and what they learned, rather than making assumptions. “What was your job in the military?” is a far better starting point than “Did you see much action?” It shows genuine curiosity about their unique journey.
Data Point 4: 44% of Veterans Report Feeling Misunderstood by Civilians
Almost half, 44%, of veterans report feeling misunderstood by civilians, according to a recent study from the Military OneSource 2023 Military Family Lifestyle Survey. This isn’t just about combat or job roles; it’s about the entire cultural and experiential gap. Military life is structured, hierarchical, and often involves intense camaraderie and shared sacrifice. Civilian life, while certainly challenging, operates on different principles. The transition can be jarring, and veterans often find that their civilian friends and family just “don’t get it.”
This feeling of being misunderstood can lead to isolation and can exacerbate mental health challenges. We, as civilians, often try to offer solutions or advice when a veteran shares a difficult experience, thinking we’re being helpful. But often, what’s truly needed is active listening, not problem-solving. When someone is opening up about their military experience, especially if it’s a challenging one, the most respectful thing you can do is listen without judgment, without interruption, and without trying to “fix” anything. My firm, Veteran Forward Consulting, often runs workshops at the Cobb County Civic Center specifically designed to bridge this communication gap for employers. We emphasize that simply creating space for a veteran to share their story, on their terms, is a profound act of respect. Don’t offer unsolicited advice about their career path or their emotional state unless they explicitly ask for it. Just listen.
| Aspect of Respect | Outdated Approach (72% Awkward) | Modern Approach (Truly Respectful) |
|---|---|---|
| Conversation Starter | “Did you kill anyone?” or “Thank you for your service.” | “What was your experience like?” or “How are you doing today?” |
| Offering Assistance | Assuming needs, offering unsolicited help. | Asking “Is there anything I can help with?” and waiting. |
| Acknowledging Service | Focusing solely on combat or past events. | Recognizing diverse roles and ongoing contributions. |
| Support Initiatives | Donating without understanding direct impact. | Researching and supporting veteran-led organizations. |
| Public Interactions | Treating veterans as a monolithic group. | Engaging individually, respecting personal boundaries. |
Where Conventional Wisdom Falls Short: The “Hero” Narrative
Here’s where I disagree with conventional wisdom: the pervasive “hero” narrative. While certainly many acts of heroism occur in the military, and individual veterans are indeed heroes, the blanket application of this label can be problematic. When we reflexively call every veteran a “hero,” we inadvertently create a pedestal that can feel isolating and inauthentic to the individual. It can make it harder for veterans to share vulnerabilities or struggles, because heroes aren’t “supposed” to have those. It also, somewhat ironically, distances them from the civilian population. A hero is an extraordinary figure, not an ordinary person trying to reintegrate into everyday life.
I advocate for a shift from “hero worship” to genuine appreciation for service and sacrifice. Instead of saying, “You’re a hero,” consider, “Thank you for your service and sacrifice for our country.” The latter acknowledges their contribution without imposing a potentially uncomfortable identity. It’s a subtle but significant difference. Many veterans, in my experience, find the “hero” label overwhelming or even undeserved, particularly those who feel they “just did their job” or who carry the weight of difficult experiences. We need to respect their individual experiences, not a pre-packaged narrative.
Data Point 5: Veteran-Owned Businesses Employ 5.8 Million People
This final data point offers a powerful, tangible way to show respect: veteran-owned businesses employ 5.8 million people nationwide, contributing significantly to the U.S. economy, according to the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA). This isn’t just a statistic; it’s an opportunity. Supporting veteran entrepreneurs is a direct, impactful way to demonstrate respect and appreciation that goes far beyond words.
When you choose to patronize a veteran-owned business, you’re not just buying a product or service; you’re investing in their future, their community, and their continued contribution to society. Look for businesses with the “Veteran Owned” or “Service-Disabled Veteran Owned Small Business” (SDVOSB) certifications. Here in Georgia, the Georgia Veteran Small Business Program offers a directory. We have fantastic veteran-owned enterprises all over, from restaurants in Buckhead to tech startups in Midtown. I recently worked with a veteran-owned cybersecurity firm in Sandy Springs, SecureShield Solutions, which was founded by a former Army signals intelligence officer. Their disciplined approach and technical expertise, honed in the military, translated directly into a highly successful and reliable business. By actively seeking out and supporting these businesses, we move beyond platitudes and into practical, economic empowerment. It’s one of the most concrete and respectful ways to honor their service. For more insights, you might also be interested in how to avoid common mistakes as a veteran entrepreneur.
True respect for veterans moves beyond reflexive phrases and broad assumptions, demanding genuine curiosity, active listening, and tangible support. By understanding the nuances of their diverse experiences and choosing specific, thoughtful actions, we can build stronger bridges of understanding and appreciation. This enhanced engagement can also help address issues like the persistent mental health challenges many veterans face.
Is it always wrong to say “Thank you for your service”?
No, it’s not inherently wrong, and the sentiment is often appreciated. However, it can sometimes feel generic or like a conversation-ender. A more impactful approach is to follow it up with a genuine question (if appropriate) or a specific offer of support, or to simply engage them as you would any other individual, acknowledging their service through your actions rather than just words.
How can I support veterans in my local community?
Beyond words, you can support veterans by patronizing veteran-owned businesses, volunteering with local veteran organizations like the American Legion Post 140 in Buckhead, donating to reputable veteran charities, or simply being a good neighbor and actively listening to their experiences without judgment. Many organizations also offer mentorship programs for veterans transitioning to civilian careers.
Should I ask a veteran if they’ve seen combat?
It’s generally best to avoid directly asking about combat experience. Only a small percentage of veterans have seen direct combat, and asking can make assumptions about their service or bring up sensitive memories. If a veteran chooses to share their combat experiences, listen respectfully. Otherwise, focus on their overall service and transition.
What’s the best way to start a conversation with a veteran?
Approach them as you would anyone else, with politeness and genuine interest. You might start with “What did you do in the military?” or “What was your role during your service?” These questions are open-ended and allow the veteran to share what they’re comfortable with, without making assumptions about their experiences.
Why do some veterans dislike being called “heroes”?
While often well-intentioned, the “hero” label can sometimes feel isolating, inauthentic, or create an expectation that veterans must always be strong and without struggles. Many veterans feel they were simply doing their job, and the blanket term can overshadow the diverse and often challenging realities of their service and reintegration. Acknowledging their service and sacrifice is often preferred.
